"I Want to Be an Author."

That tiny little person is me. Off to pre-kindgarten to learn the essentials of reading, writing, listening and speaking (literacy) among many, many other things.

Fast forward to my classroom last friday. Students were reviewing the sight word word "play." One child who struggles endlessly with retention and memory not only identified the letters in the word but very simply said, "This says play." I was astonished. When the little redhead, electric blue-eyed boy whispered to me, "Mrs. Beaumont, when I grow up I really want to be an author, " I had to catch my breath.

As I was zipping up coats for recess asked my Russian Speaking student (entered my class speaking absolutely no English in August), "Do you have another jacket to wear?" 
He said, "Yes." 
I responded, "Go put it on, please." 
And he said, beaming from ear to ear, "No, it's not cold for me." 
I could have fainted. I could have ran down the halls celebrating for days. But rather, we smiled at each other and he went on his way to find his friends my the slide. 

"No, it's not cold for me." For heavens sake. The child first had to understand what a jacket was, that I was asking him a question, that I was talking about a jacket that belonged to him and then reason as to why he didn't need his jacket and finally verbalize his thoughts into English. Imagine an adult in the same scenario trying to express his thoughts in Russian! Meanwhile, the next child beams up at me and exclaims, "I am so excited...to go to college! When I go to college I am going to make things."

The students. The respect I have for my little ones is overarching. Yes, I work tirelessly as their teacher. But I can really only facilitate their learning. I cannot make them learn anything.  These five and six year olds are not only learning their letters. But they are learning how to read, write, express themselves...They have this incredible desire to continue to learn something that is in all reality extremely difficult.
 Literacy is a skill that as adults we depend on and expect to serve them automatically throughout their life. And here we are expecting that this little person who just barely left his mother will come to school and find meaning from the symbols he is seeing and writing on his paper. It is absolutely incredible! 
Pause today as you read a sign, a newspaper, anything and recognize how much your brain had to comprehend before you could read. Congratulate yourself. So much of the English language does not make sense-but your brain automatically does it because of the learning you began in Kindergarten. I feel like adults should literally give a handshake to each little person they come across and say, "Congratulations! You are embarking on perhaps the most difficult and essential journey you will ever experience in your life." 

We have been created in a way that we desire personal growth. Our brains crave new information and store away essentials. It is so interesting to me that the most patient, kind, forgiving, resilient people on the planet (kindergartners) are given the task of learning how to read. I'm so thankful to work alongside such hard working (little) people.

My Rabbit Hole.

"What do we live for; if to not make life less difficult for each other." 

-George Eliot

I believe that we are given experiences in life to increase our understanding of our personal strength and power. The power to heal, to lift. I believe that we are given a greater capacity to help and understand those around us because of our experiences-espeically the hard, difficult experiences. 

I am a woman who absolutely loves my life. I am recently married to a man that is so perfect for me-I often feel as if I live in a wonderful dream. I live in a cute yellow apartment and give children the gift of literacy for a living. I know my Heavenly Father loves me and that I am valuable. I am a loving and kind person and have always strived to have a great empathy for those who struggle. 

I am by nature a busy person. I enjoy using my many talents and often would "burn the candle at both ends." I had a very, very busy year full of change. But it was full of excitement, happiness and adventure. There was nothing in my demeanor that would lead others to believe that I could possibly struggle with anything-Especially emotionally! But a few months ago, I was given a challenge that seemed far beyond anything I had endured previously. 

I started feeling off. First, exhaustion which was followed by lots of crying, inadequacy, trouble sleeping, weight loss and eventually I started having thoughts that I was not valuable. And then thoughts that others would be better off without me because I was ungrateful for all the many wonderful things I had. And that they would be better off without me because I had terrible thoughts run through my mind with such little control on my part. My mind was telling me these messages that were simply not true. The thoughts were dark and deeply troublesome to me. It put me into panic several times a day-very real attacks in which my body would quiver, my mind would race, and I'd gasp for air. I was feeling anxiety-not just nervousness-but a feeling that overtakes. It was as if I was walking through a fog. I did not feel like myself. Interestingly enough, now when I look back at that period of my life-that woman does not even seem like myself. I searched my life-wondering what had changed. 

And then I remembered. I had started taking a new birth control pill several weeks previously. I realized that I needed to visit with my doctor-I recognized what I was experiencing were symptoms-my body was telling me I needed some help. I had always lived a busy life, but this little pill each day had changed the hormonal balance that I had always easily maintained in the past. I was experiencing something seemingly so horrible that was in fact very medical and had nothing to do with my spirit. Or my ability to be grateful. I realize that many people struggle with anxiety and there seems to be no explanation explaining where it came from or why they are experiencing it. I am grateful that my doctor and I were able to identify why my hormones had changed-but it is much more important to not focus on why it happened. But rather-what I was going to do about it. 

I desired greatly to get to know myself again. I longed to know her. 

I've describe this experience as that time I fell into a rabbit hole. Remember when Alice toppled down the rabbit's hole, down, down, down to a place that was unfamiliar? She met a purple cat and a strange man who had tea parties all day long. She even came across a woman who painted all of her roses red. But remember when Alice came back to that very familiar tree from the beginning of her story? She was not stuck in that hole forever. 

And neither was I. 

I learned, more than ever in my life, that healing is real. The body, the mind and the spirit are so deeply connected. Our Heavenly Father has created us in a way where we are never too deep in that hole that we cannot make it back. 

Now, I am not pretending to know and understand the plight of all emotional and mental illness. The only experience I know (and try to understand) is my own. As I have shared my experience, especially with others who have struggled or do currently struggle, they have urged me to share what I have learned and how I made a personal plan for self care. And how I overcome my battle with anxiety. My plight is to provide even one option that brings peace into your life-a bright realization of hope.

-Talk to your doctor. Take comfort in the fact that this is not new to her and that this is medical: You have done nothing wrong.

-Find an outlet. I found great strength in creating. In painting on a canvas. Or even turning on music and dance around your house. I'd often sing hymns at the top of my lungs as I drove my car to work. 

-Explore alternative healing methods. I love do terra essential oils. I use "Balance" on the bottoms of my feet each day. I also love "Serenity." I apply it on the back on my neck and also breathe it in from my hands. I used this especially when I was still experiencing anxiety attacks. The oil would soothe and calm my thoughts. Now I enjoy diffusing it in our home. 

-Remember your body, mind and spirit are connected. I do yoga 1-2 times per day. I humbly pray before and after. I joined a yoga class at BYU and was inspired by my teacher and classmates. I practiced with Yoga with Adriene online. I learned that my breath is louder than my thoughts. I learned to follow my breath. And that my body is powerful. We live in a fast, demanding world and I felt the great effects of taking time to check in with my body.

-Keep moving.

-Focus on what is working in your body. "Yes, I am feeling anxious right now and my stomach hurts. But my legs are working. My arms are working. I have eyes that can see..." Often times, it is easy to get caught up in what is "wrong" rather than what is working perfectly.

-I read books. Educate yourself-ask your doctor what books they would suggest. I read "The Chemistry of Calm" by Henry Emmons, M.D.

-Go to bed. And if you can't sleep, talk to your doctor and make a plan to get some rest. Everyone, no matter how they are feeling, feels better when they have sleep. 

-Drink more water. 

-I considered myself my own dearest friend. This involved doing less. When I did not have energy to complete tasks I used to always do, I gave myself a break. I stood up for myself because I wanted to get better. I drank raspberry tea and I had my husband put up twinkle lights in our little house.

-Determine what part of the day is most difficult for you. I realized the morning was most difficult. So, perfect time to do yoga. Also, perfect time to eat breakfast. How could I expect my body and mind to heal when I skipped breakfast? After fasting all night, your brain needs nourishment to begin the day. Especially when I was requiring strength and positivity. 

-Create a personal mantra and say it to yourself. "I am a strong confident woman." "I am loved and I am safe." "My body is strong, my spirit is stronger." "I am infinitely more than this limitation." "My life has meaning, purpose, value and direction." "I choose to let go that which no longer serves me." I would use these in the morning during yoga or while getting ready for the day. I would look in the mirror and recite my mantra. 

-Put reminders in your phone. Whatever was inspiring to me, I'd put in my phone and set a random time. Then throughout the day, I'd be inspired to carry on and keep going because of a few words of inspiration. 

-I found peace as I solidified my religious habits. I poured my anxieties of the day to my Heavenly Father. I believed (and believe) with all my heart that He understood and that I was never alone in my affliction. I found refuge in the temple, while reading the scriptures and by praying many, many times a day. I knew that we, my Heavenly Father and I, were in this together. And that I could and most definitely would conquer because I was relying on Him. This was among one of the many resources I gravitated towards:

https://www.lds.org/general-conference/1995/10/trust-in-the-lord?lang=eng&query=trust+in+the+lord#listen=audio

-Do not be ashamed. Open up to those you love about how you are feeling. You are not a burden to them. And even though it feels like no one could possibly understand or help-there are aspects that are very common to human existence. Even if you can't explain everything-explain as much as you can. You'll be surprised how much others can relate to.

-Celebrate yourself. Find small successes-even hour by hour. I called them pockets of sunshine. Share those pockets of sunshine with those wonderful people who love you. They want to celebrate with you, too. 

-It will not be like this forever. 

(Even though your brain will tell you the opposite over and over).

Often times, it was so easy for me to believe that I was always going to feel anxious and that I was not strong enough to overcome. 

And the fact is: Your body is always changing, healing and progressing. Be kind to yourself through every season. 

In All Your Doings.

In all your doings-be sure to take care of the heart.

I just had to share something as of late that was too beautiful to pass up. Ryan, who happens to be my very own husband, always treats me with so much kindness. He always believes in my abilities and wants me to succeed. He can see my worth and he reminds me of it. He loves me when I fall asleep on the couch, stacks everywhere. And patiently reminds me to brush my teeth. 

And, might I add, he never says even one unkind word to me.
Ever.  

 "If only I could always speak to myself in that way he speaks to me," I thought to myself, "If only I could always think of myself that way, too."

It stopped me in my tracks. 

I realized I needed to take heed to his example. I needed to be much kinder to my own heart.

And then I thought outside of this heart of mine and
I thought of all of you.

To those who just had a new baby, which is wonderful and exhausting all at once. 

To those who are struggling to stay positive in the midst of homework, work and all manner of to-dos. 
To those who suffer from inadequacy and the poorest image of their own physical bodies.

To those who are not married and sometimes feel lonely or even less-than because of it.
To those who are unsure where the future may lead and if things really will work out.

To those who wonder if their Heavenly Father actually knows them, loves them and has a very real plan for them.

And to those who have thoughts that race faster, faster, faster until those kind words are gone. 
And only those other very unkind ones are left. 

Stop, just stop, and think of your own heart. 
She has, at some point, housed kindness.
And she wants it again.

Remember?
Say those kind words to yourself 
(again and again)
 until you believe in them.

And then once your heart is on the mend,
look for other hearts in need of something kind and warm.

And it will surely cause your very own to swell, too.

Photography by https://www.facebook.com/sophiacardonaphotography